by Gisella Gianina
(title inspired by my own tweet from 25/05/2017:
traced back some short writings of mine from various on/offline platforms—it kinda feels like finding spilled glitter in the bottom drawer.)
a.k.a, excerpts of my old writings, compiled.
1. hidden in a notebook meant for studying, probably written in late 2015
The shadows from his half-dreams gathered beneath his eyelashes, and the hollow space in his sunken heart is filled with worries of tomorrow.
– (n.d.), a random thought.
I want to write a thousand pages about you.
– (n.d.), about a long-haired boy.
Silence, except for the steady ticking of the clock. He wonders how long will it take until he somehow mind-controls it to malfunction, so that he’ll have a reason to fling it across the room and pretend he’d never known the concept of time.
– (n.d.), excerpt from a short story I handwrote.
2. from my diary back in 2015
As the sky behind the overhead windows turn pinkish purple, my heart swells.
– written on a Thursday, (n.d.)
What I’m sure of is it’s a bit lonely, not to the point where it could make me burst into tears and give me heartaches, just enough to make the lights in my room appear dimmer and the hum of running water from the bathroom sound comforting.
– written on Wednesday, 02/09/2015
Laughter, friendship, love, youth.
Moments where I wish time would just stop, seconds that I wish I could trap in my grasp.
But alas, time flies.
And when it’s not flying, it slips away through the gaps between my fingers.
– written on Thursday, 03/09/2015
I am a mixture of everything, naivety and innocence dancing around twisted needs.
– written on Monday, 14/09/2015
I think the nightmares have crept out of my subconscious to reality. That’d explain why lately, my slumbers are dreamless.
– written on Friday, 18/09/2015
Beneath this bright and colorful façade is just a cowardly me, a small lizard that blends with the background. I wasn’t born a snake or a lion. I’m neither blessed with poisoned fangs nor a bloodcurdling roar. I’m just a little girl who still marvels at the sight of pretty little stars.
– written on Sunday, 20/09/2015
3. tweeted by @blas_hes
Lalu kau terbawa arus cakrawala yang menelan sisa-sisa petang, sedang aku terpesona lembayung yang memantul di jendela jiwamu.
– 01/05/2017, 10:39 PM, bukan untuk siapa-siapa.
My nail paint hadn’t dried off when you guided my hand onto your head, lips gliding seamlessly, and that’s how you found the brown of your hair spilling with silver.
Or probably it’s the moonlight, sweetheart, just like you said.
– 01/31/2017, 06:31 and 06.32 PM, inspired by the silver nail paint
i had on during semester break.
Even the sound of your breathing is melodious. How come, darling, you make the slightest touch into a song. Are you perhaps, supernatural?
– 01/24/2017, 12.48 PM, i don’t know where this came from.
4. This PC > Documents > my writing
Hubungan kami ambigu, bahasa yang kami berdua tahu, namun tidak cukup fasih untuk mengucapkan.
– bagian dari cerpen yang kutulis dan tak pernah dilanjutkan, judul dokumennya exp2, terakhir dimodifikasi 29/12/2015, 16:13
Sejak saat itu, warna biru tak pernah sama lagi di mataku. Aku melihatnya di mana-mana, di langit dan di pakaian gadis kecil yang lewat. Aku mendengarnya di lagu-lagu dan di gesekan udara, merasakannya di sekujur tubuhku. Aku menghirup dan menghembuskannya. Aku tenggelam dalam ronanya.
Seolah-olah aku hidup dalam dunia di mana tak ada satupun warna lain.
Dan aku tak keberatan hidup yang seperti itu.
– konten dari dokumen bertajuk biru, terakhir dimodifikasi 08/05/2016, 12.03.
You’re handsome, every inch of my skin shivers when I land eyes on you.
Beauties I appreciate, but none held my gaze captive the way you do.
Frankly, you are not the usual kind of pretty, how should I put this?
You’re out of this world, an indescribable magnificence.
A walking magic, milky way personified.
– written on ms word and i won’t tell the title because it’s a dead giveaway, about a long haired boy, last modified 09/06/2016, 22:32.
(after that I swear, the world stopped for a split second: there was no sound, no movement, no air, and the distance between us felt like a whole universe folded to fit the intervals that bridged our feet)
– about a long haired boy, the word document was titled settledown, last modified 12/07/2016, 19.30.
The bursts of rosy colors on your cheeks
Are inviting my fingers to take a dip
And paint themselves red.
– the opening poem for an unfinished story i wrote on ms word, titled colors, last modified 01/08/2016, 18:36.
blood thrummed in ears and goosebumps rose by a simple graze of skin on skin. out of the blue there were stars shining in eyes, both yours and mine, meeting in the middle, sparking red undertones of heat and want.
red was passionate, red was an exhilarating high i wish i could get down from, red was when rolling your name off my tongue became something else entirely. what had been just a word became a galaxy filled with memories of crimson longing under evening skies and midnights impaled with desire and fire on fingertips and burning through veins. red became the color of the string binding our pinkies.
it was during that moment we loved the hardest.
– found in a word document titled chroma, the last paragraphs of an unfinished story, last modified 09/12/2016, 21:42.
Sometimes home isn’t a place, or another person.
Sometimes home is the muddled mess of memories swirling inside of you.
(Or something else entirely.)
– the closing poem for a story i posted on wordpress then deleted because i think it’s stupid, ms word said it was last modified on 12/12/2016, 15:44.
we’ve been dancing around each other for too long
to the tune of doubt and stuttering heartbeats.
now we’re nowhere, but this is me asking:
give me one last dance
let’s make a love song off of the creaking floorboards
let’s get drunk on each other’s gaze
let every other sound fade into white noise
let everything but us cease to exist,
just for the time of our last dance
– a poem titled last dance, inspired by big bang’s song of the same name, last modified 22/02/2017, 21:47.
5. snippets from my old iPhone’s notes
saat kau angkat bicara, kita sedang duduk berdampingan dengan mulut-mulut diam, seolah dalam penantian. kau hanya termangu. matamu terarah pada mentari yang perlahan hilang ditelan horizon, sarat emosi. mungkin karena kau tahu, sebentar lagi kita pun dilumat gelapnya malam. kalau mataku, terlalu sibuk pura-pura tidak terdistraksi olehmu.
– paragraf pertama dari prosa yang tidak pernah diselesaikan, terakhir dimodifikasi 16/06/2016, 10:45 AM
karena aku melihatmu bagai senja dengan segala semburat warnanya: lembayung yang diselipi merah muda dan ungu. emas yang bergulat dengan biru.
tapi di matamu, aku hanya kelabu.
– masih bagian dari prosa yang tidak pernah diselesaikan
they won’t stop with their ministrations, the sun (fro)licking at my feet and the sea splashing me kisses on the cheek.
– written at the beach I visited during summer break, last modified 05/07/2016, 1:54 PM
the last time I ever felt something akin to love, it was for a boy with hair more beautiful than mine, long and black like ink flowing down his neck, who listened to songs that i had never heard of.
– about a long haired boy (again), last modified 10/07/2016, 10:41 PM
his eyes are the color of my afternoon tea.
– written after a senior with really pretty eyes, last modified 22/08/2016, 11:50 PM
kenangan pun padam, sebagaimana lilin dan asa.
– ditulis 04/06/2017, 9:35 PM
lelah digerogoti sepi, kupejamkan mata
dan luruh di dekapanmu
(sedang kau sibuk
di sebelah namaku.)
– tentang sebuah penyesalan, terakhir disimpan 07/06/2017, 7:37 PM
waterfalls were made when your palm, that held
met mine in a nervous grip, fingers
– found in between the last pages of a borrowed book, written on a tiny paper with the date 15/12/16 at the bottom.